Words hurt. They stick with you.
Last week was a particularly hard week where I was left to constantly talk myself down because everyone I reached out to was busy. I reached out to people I consider to be “bestfriends” and some that are just friends in general. I started conversations gauging the right time to dive into the serious issues I’m struggling with right now, but the conversations ended before I ever got the chance. It was disappointing to say the least. So Saint Patrick’s Day I thought spending time with one of my bestfriends would allow me to get to the bottom of things. Instead I went to sleep after a night at her house with her husband and his twin brother…feeling even lonelier. I was at the house for about six hours; we had, dinner, drinks, watched a few movies. But over the course of that time I heard the words fag, faggot, homo, dyke, and gay numerous times. I understand there was drinking going on but that doesn’t make it ok. And no they weren’t being said to hurt me either, and because there was no malicious intent I found it hard to speak up and say that it was hurting my feelings. Instead I just laughed it off instead of making the night awkward. To make matters worse it wasn’t either of the guys who were saying the slurs the most, it was my bestfriend. It was a strange incidence really. She even pointed out that she was saying stuff and she didn’t know why; more so than she ever does. She has always been very supportive of me actually. It was one of those elephant in the room kind of things I guess…? The language was extreme simply because I was in the room though and that hurts. That stuff wouldn’t have been said if I wasn’t there, that is a fact.
I wish that I could have got some stuff off my chest after such a hard week keeping everything in. But instead I was subjected to verbal abuse at a place where I should feel supported and loved, despite if there is alcohol involved or not.
I guess I’m just at a loss though really. I don’t have anyone to go to, no one to talk to about these hard feelings. I’m alone without being by myself, and when I really am alone my negativity consumes me.
